TODAY'S TAKE AND THE ZEN OF THE B.M.

Welcome to Len Is Right:
Today I am writing in an encouraged state of mind, as yesterday's round of golf at Schenectady Municipal garnered me an 84, my best round of the year. I hadn't played in about 3 weeks and I wasn't expecting any better than an 88. In truth, I believe my score should have been around 79, but I putted horribly from short range, usually my strong point. I had 8 pars and 1 birdie, and actually putted for Eagle on the last hole from about 15 feet and was lucky enough to puke up a 3-putt for a par. So much for delusions of grandeur. On an up note, I drove the ball well all day long, never getting myself into trouble involving the woods and my irons and chipping game were pretty good too. I just had trouble sinking putts. I'm looking forward to the next time I play, though it depends on the course, I suppose.

THE NEW PROJECT AT THE HOUSE
Well, we now have a plan and starting date for the new bathroom project. For years now, the lovely wife has been asking for a bathroom upstairs in the house. I was finally able to put together enough money and hired a reputable and talented contractor to do the job. Why a bathroom upstairs? Very simple. Other than convenience, the real reason is that when your bedroom is upstairs and you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the adrenalin you use climbing back up the stairs after using the bathroom downstairs, effectively makes falling back to sleep very difficult. Once you get back up to bed, unless you're dead-tired, your mind usually starts getting thoughts of whatever is going on in your life, and it ends up taking a while to fall back to sleep. This makes for some long days if you're a teacher and you have to be on your toes around school children. In any event, the bathroom project will be going on during the month of August, and will be eliminating the chance for us to get to the ocean for a few days because I'll be helping the contractor, to save money.

A GROSS BUT NECESSARY TOPIC
After reading this section, you'll probably ask yourself, "Why did Len feel the need to rant on this? This is disgusting!" Yes, but I believe it is necessary AND helpful. If you are of a sensitive constitution, stop here and come back and read on another day. If you are not so squeamish, please forge ahead and I will give you some helpful advice.

Without further ado, I bring you.................
THE ZEN OF THE BOWEL MOVEMENT
I know, I know. You're thinking, "This guy is off his rocker." But folks, after years of speaking with people and being alongside people in public bathrooms (adjoining stalls), I have come up with some advice for having the smoothest possible bowel movement.

I have often been in a Men's Room doing my business in the stall and have heard the poor soul next to me grunting and pushing, breathing heavy and heaving large sorrowful sighs. You know that when you hear these sounds, that the person next to you is having no fun, that they may be experiencing pain, and may be bringing upon themselves a hellacious case of hemorrhoids. This needn't be, my friends.

First off, your bowel movement is somewhat dependent on your diet. While I will not expound on dietary choices, I will say that there are certain foods we eat that make it difficult for all that is inside of us to come out smoothly. Indeed, some foods end up remaining in our colons for years! Sounds hard to believe, right? But did you know that when John Wayne died, they found food in his colon that they believe was in there for 40 years. Now, before I make this post into a lecture of how to clean your colon, let me impart the Information that you REALLY need. First off, pushing and grunting because you are in a hurry, or because you hate being in the bathroom, or because your legs have fallen asleep doesn't really help, and can, in fact, be detrimental. It causes longer wipe times and may trigger a "blowout", which none of us really need. How do we combat this? This is.....

THE ZEN...
Okay, I'll try to make this short and sweet. Upon sitting upon the "throne," I recommend a very slight spreading of the cheeks. And I mean very slight. Radical overspreading can cause the "Whistling Balloon" Effect. The Whistling Balloon Effect is like what happens when you try to let a little air out of a balloon that you've just blown up. You pull apart, or stretch the opening of the balloon in order to make a whistling or squeaking sound. While this works for balloons, it is bad for the rectum. You don't want a tightened orifice. You do, however, want to get the cheeks out of the way, especially if you are a hairy person. Next, relax. You need to try and put away other thoughts that you may be having and concentrate on relaxing your body. I'm not saying you need to put yourself to sleep or in a trance. But it really behooves you to get into a muscularly relaxed state. After relaxing your body muscles, the next thing you want to do is to breathe deeply and slowly. This slows down your heartrate and relaxes you so your bodily functions flow more smoooooothly. This relaxation technique brings on a thing I like to call "The Slide." See, you want the Slide. You want to AVOID the Machine Gun or the Depth Charge. The Slide is where it's at. The Slide is what all Zen Masters aspire to. Can you dig what I mean?

Now I realize this process takes a little longer than the old push and grunt method. But with a little practice you will get the process down faster and your body will be ready to relax and make "The Slide" a reality. What this will do, will be to more easily make sure the colon is clean, and will help you avoid hemorrhoids and fissures that "creep" up when you are doing a stressful bowel movement.

ONCE AGAIN...THE ZEN METHOD
To recap, once you are seated comfortably, you do a very slight spread, you relax body muscles, you breathe deeply, and finally allow for "The Slide." Finally, I would like to recommend the use of a Witch Hazel pad (like Tucks, but there are generic pads you can buy). They prevent hemorrhoids and ensure a clean rectum. Please excuse my indelicateness.

THERE YOU HAVE IT!!
Okay, I am done. If you follow my advice, you too can become a true disciple of Len Is Right!!
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It has been my pleasure to post for you today. Keep the Faith....because, as always, Len Is Right!!

I am,
Len Tollerton