Thursday, November 29, 2007

MY HUMOR THANKS TO THE SUMMERS FAMILY

Greetings min-yo-nays:
It is I, your good friend Len, back with another Len Is Right post. Today, I'm going to give some props to some friends who had an influence on me as a kid.

HERE'S TO THE SUMMERS FAMILY
Hey, a couple of weeks ago, I was visiting my closest friend from high school, who was here visiting family. This guy's name is Tom Summers. He was also the Best Man at my wedding. We graduated Christian Bros. Academy (a local military high school run by the Christian Brothers) in 1981, and for the last 3 years of school, I used to hang at Tom's house after school, pretty much all the time.

This post is kind of a Thank You to the Summers family for helping me develop my sense of humor and to not take things too seriously in life. Tom, along with his brothers John, Dan, George, and Charlie always welcomed me into the fold and we always had a great time hanging out, shooting air-pistols, partying (WOW...guess what I did in HIGH school), and just doing alot of laughing.

I guess you could call our sense of humor "all-encompassing." It was made up from classic comedy movies, TV, and stand-up comedians of the day, with a heavy dose of Monty Python and the Firesign Theater thrown in. If you have found anything I write, or anything I say funny, you can kind-of thank the Summers brothers (and definitely NOT the
Christian Brothers, unless it was for mocking humor).


To this day, my family and I still sit around at the dinner table making stupid quotes from movies to make each other laugh. Impressions also play a part in my sense of humor. I have learned to do the voices and sounds of alot of movies and cartoons over the years, and the reason for this is because I had to do something to keep up with these guys. Believe me, with 5 of them, it was tough to find a spot to get in a word, but I managed.

These guys got their humor, I think, from their Dad, John Sr. I remember one of the first times I experienced humor from Mr. Summers. Everytime I had previously met the guy, he seemed very gruff and strict. He came home from work one autumn day while we were all laying about after a bit of a smoke (nudge-nudge). There was a bushel of apples in a basket on the floor, which no one seemed to be eating. Mr. Summers says to us, gruffly: "Hey!! You guys better start eating these damn apples.....what do you think, they grow on trees?" Now I'm sure that doesn't seem that funny reading it, but we all, at the time, thought it was hilarious. That was my first experience with John Summers humor. After that day, he always seemed alot nicer than I originally thought.

These days, with the Summers family scattered all over the Capital District, and my friend Tom living up in Maine, we don't see each other that much. When I do see them, it's always like going home, because we still laugh at the same shit, even quoting the same lines we used to. It just seems any conversation we have leads to the classic humor. So, here, publicly, I'd like to send my heartfelt thanks to Tom, John, Dan, George, Chuck, and Mr.& Mrs. Summers for being a positive influence on who I am today, as a person. Thanks guys. It's always meant alot to me and I've never said anything to you.

AND YOU, MY MINIONS?
Well, jeez, I only got one answer from you on my Thanksgiving poll. I know you guys are reading. How about a little participation, huh? Why so quiet out there? You afraid to bare your souls to the world at a website viewed by tens? Don't be weak. Stand up! Voice an opinion.

How about this? Send me, or post a response here telling us how someone (family, friend, whatever) influenced you to be who you are. Where does your sense of humor come from? Who did you get your drive from? Who taught you how to play cards, or golf, or an instrument? Anything. You're all starving me out there. Except for Uncle Bob, the Mixologist, I haven't heard from you people in a long time. Someone save my life tonight, sugar bear. Let me hear you.

Show me that LEN IS RIGHT!!
I am,
Len Tollerton

Friday, November 23, 2007

FIRST ANSWER TO POLL QUESTION

Hey:
I have my first and only answer, so far, to my Thanksgivng poll question.
Uncle Bob the Mixologist suggests this Thanksgiving cocktail:

Wild Turkey and Cranberry juice. Salud!!

BOB IS RIGHT!!!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

Hello my friends and relatives:
May you and your families enjoy your time with each other on Turkey Day. Please try to be as safe as possible, and remember that getting there is more important than getting there quickly.

Hey, I'm hoping to insert a daily poll question onto this site, if I can get the info from Blogger. That will at least give you all a reason to show up here.

TODAY'S MAKESHIFT THANKSGIVING POLL QUESTION
Of course, we all generally have turkey, mashed taters, squash, stuffing (dressing), rolls, cranberry sauce of some kind, and pumpkin, apple, mincemeat, or sweet potato pies. What LEN IS RIGHT would like to know is: What are some of the foods that your family makes, or likes, or were served at the place you were eating, that were out of the "ordinary?" I mean, do you or someone in your family make something that doesn't generally translate to traditional Thanksgiving? A little seafood on the half-shell? Turkey liver pate' from a freshly-killed turkey? A different kind of vegetable casserole? Some kind of wild dessert? I know our friend, Tom "the serious game hunter" from Florida eats, pretty much, only meat he has hunted. Fortunately for me, we got to pass on the green bean casserole with the fried onions on top. How about a special holiday cocktail? TELL ME WHAT YOU MAKE OR LIKE, AMERICA!!
Just log in and become a member, like the Edge of Darkness or She Who Is In Hell, or Shadow. It's not hard to do and I'd like to get your opinions.

ONCE AGAIN WITH OLD WOOD
Once again for those who missed it, please join me, Patty , and Roy tomorrow (Friday) night at Cheers' Roadhouse on Fuller Rd. for Jeff the Palooka's band, Old Wood. Starts around 9:30. Hope to see you there.

HOW 'BOUT THEM GAS PRICES?
I'll say it again. Record profits reported by the oil companies (Exxon/Mobil, etc...), new highs for a barrel of oil, and right now, today $3.28 for regular gas at a local Exxon (generally higher than most). That's lucky for the kids of the corporate execs. They'll all be getting Wii's and ipods, and Playstation 3's ($600), and new cars for Christmas. This is all done on the backs of YOU, the American consumer. Have a nice day. Oh BTW, the guy behind the counter at the gas station does not make the prices, he just collects the money. Don't yell at him, it's not his fault. He's paying the same as you.

MESSAGE FOR THE WICCAN'S DAUGHTER
Hey Rebecca! I heard you recently quit cooking because you didn't get along with, or had a falling out with a teacher. I was really disappointed by that. From what I know of you, you've got a fierce determination inside of you. I've heard you really like cooking. Maybe it's a passion. Hey, let me tell you something. And you better listen, ya knucklehead. If you're going to let certain people dissuade you from your dreams, if you're going to let one snag in the road, one contrary person get in the way of going for your dreams, if you're going to let adversity dictate your life, rather than YOU DICTATE to adversity, you're going to get nowhere in life. You'll end up being some lowly railroad worker wondering, someday, what happened to your life. Not Kidding. I don't know you that well, but I know this: You're young, ambitious, and maybe you have a passion. Ride that Passion, kid. Don't be a "woulda-coulda-shoulda." Be a "I want it, I'm going to Get it"-type person. Find a new teacher. Seek out new techniques to learn. Go talk to Carmine Sprio, who owns Carmines and ask him for some advice. Maybe he'll let you be on his TV show, which is taped in his restaurant on Central Ave. Don't throw it away, girl. You WILL regret it later. GET TO WORK!!

BLACK FRIDAY
My friend, Chuck, the E.O.D, will have his family in the mall at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow to take advantage of all the big early-bird specials at the stores. It's become a yearly family tradition at the Younger Luce household. I'd like to wish Chuck, Trish and the girls best of luck tomorrow, ya freaks.

For the rest of you, do yourself and ME a big favor. STAY AT HOME. I need to run some errands...NOT XMAS SHOP, tomorrow. I don't need you screwball pseudo-bargain-hunting wack-a-moles out on my town's streets delaying me from getting out of my street or finding a gosh darn parking space. And believe me, I have no problem parking in the outer reaches and making a 5-minute walk to the building. It would just be nice to find a parking space at all.

So, if you are a fan of LEN IS RIGHT, or you're hoping to become RIGHT, yourself, or you'd just like to be recognized as a fairly smart and reasonable individual, you will take my advice and STAY HOME tomorrow. Don't go shopping, don't go browsing, don't go out to eat. You have enough food in the house already. There will be plenty to watch on TV, there will be people to chat with online. In short I'm sure you can find something to do at home, tomorrow, instead of delaying me from my errands by being out on these Albany (Colonie) streets. Give Len a break.

We have now reached the Holiday Season. As you can tell, Len may have turned into a curmudgeon. You know, there is a fine line between being cynical and being a curmudgeon. I hope to always lean to the left side of that, but as I get older I wonder if I'm just a curmudgeonly complainer.

Naaaahhhh.....can't be that. I'm vibrant, baby! My shit is fresh!! I've got MAD stuff to say. I was, am and will ALWAYS be THE Man. You know it. I know it. And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we? AND WHY???? SAY IT!! SAY IT!! SCREAM FOR ME, HELSINKI!!!
LEN IS RIGHT!! LEN IS RIGHT!! LEN IS RIGHT!!! Give yourselves a hand for being RIGHT. You deserve it.
I Love You, my Minions.
I am,
Len Tollerton

Monday, November 19, 2007

ALEXANDER MUNDY AND OTHER POINTS

Greetings to the Minions:
Hey y'all, how was the weekend? Hey, LEN IS RIGHT is back again to discuss a couple of things...a few points of contention. Also, I'd like to see if some of you out there remember what I thought was the coolest show on TV when I was a kid.

IT TAKES A THIEF
Recently I've asked some people I know if they remember a TV show from the 60's called It Takes a Thief. It starred Robert Wagner as master-thief Alexander Mundy, who steals FOR the government in order to avoid going to prison. His boss, played by Malachi Throne, sends him all over the world on capers during the 60's Cold War-era. Al Mundy was a cross between a master-thief and a James Bond-like spy, wearing the best clothes, using the newest gadgets, and getting intimate with whatever European hottie was in the episode. In short, he was just about the coolest dude on the planet and in my opinion, the coolest guy on TV. In short, men wanted to BE him, and women just WANTED him. The show only ran for 2 or 3 seasons before it got ridiculous and was cancelled. If you've never seen the show, you'll have a really tough time finding it, as it is never played on TV Land and there is no DVD set of the series, yet.

As I look back, It Takes A Thief was one of a bunch of really cool shows to come out of that time. Some of the other ones that were favorites in my house were I Spy with Bill Cosby and Robert Culp, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. with David McCallum and Robert Vaughn, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea with Richard Basehart and David Hedison, and the Western series The Wild, Wild West with Robert Conrad and Ross Martin.

If you're under 40, you probably don't remember any of these shows, unless you caught them in syndicated reruns in later years. These days, spy/thief/intrigue-style shows often go for gritty reality with special effects. Back then, those shows, while having high-tech gadgetry also seemed to have a class and style that many shows now lack or try to hard to attain. Don't get me wrong, shows like 24, the Unit, Journeyman, and the CSI's are all really great. But I'd like to call your attention to some really great, really cool shows from past years.

A-ROD and THE YANKEES
This week we get to be treated with watching the Yanks try to re-sign the newly-named 2007 AL MVP. For fans all over the country I've got to say I hope they sign him soon. Why? Well, it's not because I'm a Yankee fan. It's because I'd like to NOT have to hear about it anymore. After A-Rod's scumbag agent, Scott Boras made his classless statement at the end of the World Series that A-Rod was done with the Yanks, there has been alot of speculation over where he'd go. As a Met fan, I really couldn't care less, as long as it's not to Atlanta. HATE THE BRAVES!!!

It IS funny, however, that A-Rod won the AL MVP as a member of the Yanks in 2005. Their fair-weather, and short-memoried fans wanted him gone in 2006, because he was having an off-year. I mean, if you're from NY State, the summer of 2006 was a 7-month long whine-fest by Yankee fans who hated A-Rod. Then...then he begins 2007 on fire and doesn't really let up (until the playoffs), and all of a sudden the fans think this guy has a seat next to God and Babe Ruth. Face it Yankee fans, he's the best all-around player in the game. You can't get anyone better and your team is lucky enough to be able to afford him. How'bout just shutting the freak up, good or bad. Without him, you're all toast.

Good thing you guys re-signed Jorge Posada. You'll need him and he's still viable for a couple more years. I happen to know a lovely Wiccan fan of Jorge who is very happy he is staying in New York.

PATRIOT CRUSH
The New England Patriots may go undefeated for the regular season, but one thing is for sure. They will be your NFL Champion come February my friends. That is, assuming Tom Brady doesn't get hurt. 5 more TD passes yesterday, with 4 going to Randy Moss. How many people thought Moss was washed up? Alot. I thought he was the perfect fit for the Pats because I knew Belicheck wouldn't put up with his ego shit. Of course, there's been no adversity this year, so stay tuned next year. Oh sure, they could let down and take a loss this season. But rest-assured, come February, they will be your champion of the NFL. Call me on this if I turn out wrong. Wait. Never mind. LEN IS RIGHT so I won't turn out wrong.

MATT CARROLL OF THE NBA'S CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
Hey, if you don't know it already, I have a cousin that plays in the NBA. His name is Matt Carroll and he plays for the Charlotte Bobcats. He starred at Notre Dame and started his career with the Portland Trail Blazers. He then moved to the San Antonio Spurs and now is the 6th man for the Bobcats. He's a very good all-around player who occasionally leads the team in scoring. He scored 16 the other night. Please check him out in the NBA boxscores. Oh, BTW, I've never met him. I was at his parents wedding when I was a freshman in high school, but haven't really seen his family since. From all accounts this is one of the good guys in sports. He signs autographs, cares about the fans, etc... His whole family was big into sports. His dad was Penn State's backup QB in the 70's and his uncle pitched in the Big Leagues for the Cincinnatti Reds. Matt's brother, Pat, starred at St. Joseph's a couple of years ago and was ranked #3 in 3-point shooting in the country. Pretty good family legacy.

LET'S NOT FORGET BOWLING
Looking for something fun to do in your off time? When's the last time you went bowling? I know it's not the glamour sport everyone thinks about. And in truth, I hadn't really thought about it for years until my kids started bowling 3 years ago. Now, I bowled from the age of 7 till Senior year of high school. I lost touch with it for years. In truth, there's little chance of me joining a league now, as an adult, because the season is so damn long (usually 30-33 weeks). If I could get into a 15-20-week league, I'd think about it.

However, if you're looking for something fun to do with friends, that's not too expensive, and ends up being alot of fun, checking out your local bowling establishment could be the way to go. I swear you'll probably be taken back to your youth and really enjoy yourself. And unlike golf, which can drive a person to madness and anger after just a few holes, bowling gives everyone a chance to do well. You might not roll 200's regularly, but everyone can string 3-6 strikes, or pick up a nice split, occasionally. Plus, it's something that's great for a first date, or a family night out, or some friendly sporting competition between you and your buds. Give bowling a try again. You'll thank me later.

Why? You KNOW why!! Because LEN IS RIGHT!!

See you soon.
I am,
Len Tollerton

Saturday, November 17, 2007

TURKEY TRAVEL AND OLD WOOD

Minions of mine!!
I hope the weekend finds you all well and healthy. So...how many of you are travelling out of town for Thanksgiving? This is the busiest travel weekend of the year, even moreso than Christmas. You'll be hard-pressed to find any discount tickets, plane or train.

When I was a kid, we used to travel from Albany to Utica for T-Day at my grandmother's house. Do any of you from the Northeast remember the blizzard and 2-feet of snow on Thanksgiving in the early 70's? It took my father 5 hours to drive what usually takes 1 1/2 hours. Knock wood, we haven't had any serious snowfall in November in a bunch of years. It seems that the snow doesn't really start hammering around here till mid December, if at all.

Anyway, if you ARE travelling, please be careful and try to keep a positive attitude. Long lines, both at the ticket window or on the highways can get under people's skin. By keeping positive and trying to smile when situations become a pain in the ass, you'd be surprised on how much better a time you'll have when you get to your destination. Enjoy the day.

OLD WOOD AT THE ROADHOUSE
This coming Friday evening (after 9:00), I'll be joining Roy the G. B. King and whoever else shows up at Cheer's Roadhouse on Fuller Rd. in Colonie, to see our friend Jeff the Palooka's band, Old Wood. They play covers of stuff from the 60's to present-day. You'll hear anything from ZZ Top, Santana, The Allman Brothers, to stuff by John Mayer, Matchbox 20, and the like. They have a pretty good following of friends and family in the crowd, and since it's the night after Thanksgiving, I'm sure the joint will be rockin'. For once, they're playing on a Friday night. They usually are out on Saturdays, which limits me because I have to go to work at 12:00 and can only stay for the first set. This time, I'll be able to hang out for a while. Luckilly, the place is a 1 and 1/2 minute drive from my house. I can walk home if I get over-served.

Okay, that's it for now. Just wanted to post and stay in touch. Roy and Chuck have been giving me a hard time for not posting over the last few months. So now, your gonna hear alot of inane shit just to appease those guys...my minions. My brothers. They smartly get on my case, because they have become RIGHT. And you know that to be Right, you need your fix of LEN IS RIGHT!

Peace and be well.
I am,
Len Tollerton

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

DONE IN BY THE LUCE CONNECTION

Helloooo Minions:
Back after a 4 month hiatus to spew some of the good, the bad, and the questionable. In truth, I haven't written in quite a while for two reasons. First, I suffered from a type of writer's block. Specifically, I would get an idea while away from my computer and forget it later on. Or, I would just not have anything to say.

Secondly, I've experienced a sort of "world-weariness" over the last few months. Some may even call it depression, though I don't feel depressed. You know when you get out of your car when you arrive at work, and you look at the building and heave a heavy "UGH," well, that's how I've been feeling about the world.

The state of the Nation, gasoline prices, layoffs and no contract, still, at Amtrak, and a bit of a falling out with a parent (my Mom), led me to just not want to write anything. I decided to keep it inside, not wanting to bore you with my shit. Besides, I didn't think I could mine it for much comedy.

However, this last weekend's events have prompted me to jot a few things down, remind you I'm still here, and send KUDOs to a couple of friends. So here goes:

THE LUCE CONNECTION
Last Saturday I played in a poker tournament at the Eye-Oh-Nay household. I've played in 4 tourneys there, winning the first one, but not faring that well since. And it looked like more of the same, as I was down close to the felt a couple of times and was able to double-up on a couple of All-Ins and keep grinding away. Finally made the Final Table, but was playing against Roy, the G.B. King. Roy is considered by most in our circle of poker playing friends as the best tournament player (probably followed closely by Fred the Stat King).

Roy came to the table as one of the chip leaders, but suffered a few losses and was down to the felt (not many chips left) a couple of times. But as is his way, he made his patented Lazarus-like comeback, and we were both able to survive as players were eliminated. After the two of us DEVASTATED the stack of the homeowner's best friend (Roy and I are his albatrosses), Roy and I end up as the last two guys standing.

Roy excells at heads-up play. He goes All-In alot, pushing it to make you think he's got something so you'll fold, or he really does have something and you just lose outright. After alot of back and forth, I look down at a pair of pocket 7's. I raise the bet and Roy comes over the top and goes All-In. I call, figuring it's a coin toss, unless he's got a higher pair. Roy's got me in chips, roughly 34,000 to 32,000. He flips over Ace-Jack. He doesn't pair the board, but I don't improve either, though I still lead. The River (last card) brings a 10, which completed a Straight for Roy and we were done. Kudos to Roy. He made $300 more than I did ($550-$250). I thought the difference between 1st and 2nd Place money was VERY skewed, seeing as it can all come down to a coin-toss at the end with one guy walking away just being lucky. But no worries. I did alot better than I anticipated and enjoyed the game. Hopefully, I'll get him next time. But wait.....there's more. This wasn't the only time I got Luced this weekend.

Roy's younger brother, Chuck the E.O.D., was my opponent in Fantasy Football. Chuck and I are good friends, but arch-nemeses in the fantasy league. On paper, my team is way better. However, this week on the field, Chuck's team came through, with the help of Dallas QB Tony Romo, with an 84-82 victory. Do you think I could have gotten just a few more yards out of my RB's? Or maybe not have my QB throw 2 interceptions, which cost me 2 points. Or maybe, I could start the right REC's. Nope, and now my season is effectively DONE. At 4-6 with 3 games to play, I have to run the table just to contend for a Wild Card spot. I can do it, but I'll need alot of help from other teams who must lose. Being the Commissioner of the League makes me a bit of a target, and the guys love it when I miss the playoffs...which doesn't happen often.

Anyway.....I owe a big shit sandwich to the Luce Bros., who saw fit to put it up my rear end this weekend. Good thing we're friends, ya bastids.

2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
Look, even if you voted for G.W.Bush twice, you gotta admit that his administration and 2nd term have been a shambles. Do you understand we're paying $3 and twenty-something cents for a gallon of gas? He doesn't set the prices, but influences what they are by his policies. Phone conversations monitored, American soldiers dying every day for what?, not allowing gay marriage (if you're against this, then you need to come back to reality and let people live their lives), a government based on religious, Christian fundamentalism, spending BILLIONS on a war we can't win, yet taking money away from domestic programs and AMERICAN people. You and your administration have betrayed the trust of your Nation. You have let us down. You should be thrown in jail or trampled by a thundering herd of elephants after being dragged through a field of cow manure behind a Department of Sanitation truck. At a very high speed. It's time for you to go, George. Go...NOW.

THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE
I don't know how often it will be, but I think I'm ready to correspond with the minions again. Hopefully, you'll forgive my laxity and give me another shot. Doing so would make YOU right, which makes it so LEN IS RIGHT .

Talk to you soon. January 20, 2009 is not that far away.
I am,
Len Tollerton