THE COLONOSCOPY

Hello my friends:
Well, the Oscars came and went and I got 4 out of 6 right. I guess that means, for one day anyway, that this site should be called Len is 67% Right. Of the 2 misses, I was happy to see that unbelievably white Tilda Swinton won for Michael Clayton (supporting role). There had been alot of buzz in Hollywood about her performance and I guess her campaign got her the needed votes.

As for Marion Cotillard, who won Best Actress for La Vie En Rose, I was really very surprised that Hollywood gave the award to an actress in a Foreign Language film. The only other time I can remember them doing that was about 10 years ago when they gave Best Actor to Roberto Benigni for Life Is Beautiful. So, I guess there can be surprises. I was surprised they didn't give an award to the "Old Guard" in Julie Christie.

I thought Jon Stewart did a really good job of hosting. He kept it moving along and was pretty funny at times.

THE COLONOSCOPY
Well, today I had a colonoscopy. If you are squeemish, you'll probably want to stop reading now, even though some of this will be funny, or at least amusing. Do I really want to go into this whole thing? Do you really want to know? Not sure, but here goes.

The reason I was having a colonoscopy was because I had developed a certain unnamed problem at the back door and the doctor wanted to rule out any real problems. So, first off, I gotta tell ya about the initial examination in the doctor's office. ANYONE who goes to have their rectum looked at becomes a true equal in the eyes of the world. What I mean by that is that AFTER the exam, everyone is on equal ground. It is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to have any kind of ego once you're done with that experience.

I went into the exam room and the nurse pulled out this kneeling pad at the bottom of the (what I thought was standard) examination table. I asked her if I was to get undressed, and she said "No, just drop your pants." So I drop them and then she has me stretch my arms onto the exam table. Now the doctor comes in and says, We gotta raise this thing up so I can see better." He hits a pedal and the whole table starts to lift into the air. Thinking that was it, I was surprised to hear him push another pedal and now the part I'm stretched across starts to drop forward. Please picture in your head me kneeling on a pad, with my pants around my knees about 4 feet in the air, with my ass pointing to the stars, looking like I'm leaning over a fence. Can you wrap your thoughts around that picture??!! Please remember that the nightmares aren't real.

So he examines me and I go back into his office to discuss the results. I tell him that no one could have an ego after that. He tells me, with a chuckle, that he loves it when big, tough State Trooper-type guys come in for an exam. They walk in all tough and macho and leave with tails between legs, like beaten dogs. I think he's got issues with cops.

THE PROCEDURE
So, everything this morning went well. No polyps, no bleeding, no problems, come back in 5 years. Everyone told me it was no big deal. And they were right. The worst part for me (and everyone else for that matter) was the night before. You can't eat anythin, and you've got to drink this laxative that makes you piss liquid out of your ass for the entire evening. I mean, we're talking, like, 10-15 trips to the john. I know this dope at work who actually drank the stuff while at work the night before his procedure, because he didn't want to take a night off. I laughed each of the 10 times he walked past me on his way to the bathroom. After doing it myself, I would recommend taking the night off for that.

The only other thing that was painful, or a bother, was when the nurse put the needle into the back of my hand for the IV for surgery. I don't usually have a problem with needles, but she must have used a thick gauge, cause that hurt.

So, anyway, I could have gone to work tonight with no problem. But with the big snowstorm, I decided to take the night off and relax. Everything is fine, so that's good news.

Tomorrow, I have my 3rd session with the Shrink. So far, this guy has told me I need to chill out and give myself some credit. Apparently, I try to make others feel good and do stuff for other people, but feel like I need to reciprocate anytime someone does something for me. Also, for the last 25 years, I've been trying to be the ultimate porn star for my girlfriends(before marriage) and my wife. That obsession has led me to disappointing myself and occasionally my partner, because I was so obsessed with making the woman feel like she was with a SEX-GOD. So, now, the shrink wants me to chill out and give myself some credit. Sex has always been about pleasing the other person, for me, cause I figured I could get pleasure for myself if I really needed it. I've now got to focus a little more on me during these times and trust that I'm doing what I need to do. Basically, I spend too much time thinking too much, and making a big deal out of nothing. Kind of like my friend Fred thinking too much when he's playing golf. Too many swing thoughts before hitting the ball. I've told him that, but I think this is like a "Physician, heal thyself"-type of thing.

So, I believe I'm making progress with the shrink. It'll take me time to rebuild myself a little, but I don't think I have that far to go. By the way, my friends, I'm still the same guy you all know. So, you can all stop shunning me. You can all stop being afraid to call me or talk with me and interact with me just because I'm seeing a therapist.. "Oh jeez, here comes that crazy Tollerton. You know, he's seeing a shrink. Let's get to the other side of the street, or he'll be telling us how much Jesus has helped him to regain his sanity." YEAH,RIGHT!! I think you know me better than that.

REMAIN CALM!! ALL IS WELL!! LEN IS RIGHT!! LEN IS RIGHT!!
Peace to my people on Earth.
I am,
Len Tollerton