WHAT'S UP KIDS?

Hi Y'all:
It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. That sounds like I'm in the confessional box at church, right? "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 2 weeks since my last blog post." I kind of had a good reason, other than nothing to say.

THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND THE REAL REASON
I'm going to go out on a limb and publicize an admission for everyone right now. On Friday, Feb. 1st, I suffered, what I believe, was a mental breakdown. See, over the last few months there have been a few incidents and other ongoing things that have happened, that put me in a BAD mental state. I won't go into specifics. I guess they may have been your run-of-the-mill occurences that some people go through. Family issues, interpersonal relations, physical issues, job-related b.s., and realizations of wasted years and feelings of inadequacy led me to this point.

I felt that I was having a mid-life crisis and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Now, those of you who know me well know that although I sympathize with folks who have mental issues, I consider people who have addiction problems, or problems with depression as weak. Why? Because I've always felt that people let themselves get into depressed states. I've always felt that if you woke up in the morning, that you were given a new chance, a new start, another opportunity to make things right. The stuff that already happened was stuff you couldn't change, but that you could correct mistakes. Each day we have the chance to atone for our wrongdoings, begin fresh with a new attitude, and maybe look to the future with some hope. So, of anyone you all know, I was one of the least likely candidates for depression and crisis. I've always tried to roll with the punches and look for new solutions.

But that Friday, I felt that the world was crushing down on me, that I had wasted half my life in a job that I should never have settled for (that much is a STONE-COLD fact), that most of my life had been a lie, that I had been keeping certain things hidden for decades, and that one of the causes for all of this was one of the things in life that I enjoy the most (marijuana). While my drug use has made me lazy (or even a slacker) at times, it never caused me to miss work or not pay bills, or embarass my family because of erratic behavior. I was confused because I couldn't understand why just a few days or a week before everything was fine and all of a sudden the Wheel of the World was rolling over me. You all know that I'm fairly upbeat and happy most of the time. My sense of humor is always right there (albeit somewhat inappropriate at times).

Unlike many people with problems, I'm not one to go looking to place blame elsewhere if it lies with me. So I began digging to see why this was going on and try to figure out what I'd done during my life to put me in this state, AND, more importantly, what I was going to do to get past this. I mean, no one that I knew (or so I thought) had to go through therapy, or battled depression in a major way. So, why me?

SURPRISE, SURPRISE!! You'll never believe what I found out yesterday, that calmed my concerns by at least 75%. I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, talking about how great I am doing with the quitting smoking thing. I was going on about how great I thought the drug Chantix was, and how it had taken away my cravings for cigarettes. I don't buy them, I don't miss them, and I really believe I've gotten by the difficult stage of feeling I need them. My friend told me that there was some recent news that Chantix was recently found to cause suicidal tendencies in people. While talking with another friend, I learned that it is also responsible for impulsive behavior (impulse buying, gambling, etc...). I don't know if that's the answer for me, but it sure would explain alot.I started taking the drug on December 1st of 2007, and it was shortly thereafter that I realized I was turning into a "whack-a-mole." Could the Chantix have caused all of my irrational fears to manifest all at once, making me feel inadequate? I mean, no doubt, certain things have transpired over the last month or two that could put me in a funk (not the Parliament-Funkadelic-type funk either). But c'mon folks. I'm a mentally strong person for the most part. Yes. I have a bad temper at times, and I'm too quick to react to alot of things occasionally. But this was just not me.

WHERE TO NOW?
On the chance that it was the quit-smoking drug making me act this way, I have since calmed down. I know for a fact that nothing is as bad as I was making it out to be over the last week. I am NOT a mentally weak person. I have my flaws, to be sure. No one knows what they are as well as I. While talking to a friend about this situation (before the Chantix news surfaced), I was encouraged to speak to someone professional. And believe me, I was about to jump into the psychiatric pool with both feet, embracing the chance to get mentally well with open arms. I mean, how was I to lead my MINIONS if I couldn't lead myself? I was initially concerned that I was going to be made a part of the Prozac nation. I'd really rather not become a person who needs help through chemicals. I'd rather just talk my problems out. There are those of you out there reading this who won't be surprised by that statement. Many of you believe I spend too much time talking AND thinking.

In truth, Ive decided to go through with seeing a therapist. I'm sure it won't hurt me to talk some things out and get past some stupid shit from my past. But have no fear, folks, I am in a much better state today than I was last week. I'd like to thank my friend Clayton Leisenfelder for cluing me into what is going on with people who take Chantix. Up until yesterday, I considered it a "miracle-drug." And it IS, when it come to stopping smoking. I don't know if I could have done it without it. But I also realize that ALL of the problems I was dealing with coincided with my beginning and continued use of the drug Chantix.

I am now, forever, back from the ledge. And aside from some physical issues that are being a pain in the neck, my outlook is alot better than it was. I'd also like to thank Patty, in a BIG way, for letting me vent on her last Friday, and for being understanding about EVERYTHING. I'd also like to thank my friends Roy the G.B. King and Kenny the Hunter for letting me vent to them when I've had issues, especially over the last month or two. You 2 guys really proved your friendship to me by just listening and not calling me weak or a pussy. I really appreciate it.

I am healing, getting better everyday, and realizing I'm not really the piece of shit I believed myself to be over the last month and a half. As they sing at the beginning of THAT 70's SHOW, "We're all alright! We're all alright! We're all alright! Hello Wisconsin!!!!

Looking better all the time, I am,
Len Tollerton
And you MOFO's out there better know........LEN IS RIGHT!!!