RELATIONSHIPS AND THE HUMAN CONDITION

Today is Friday, May 12. And today I'd like to send you into the weekend with some thoughts about our relationships with others. I mean our loved ones, our friends, those we work with, and even those people that we don't really like. Bear with me, because this could get a little deep. At the end, I'd like to hear from you or see some comments on your thoughts on this matter.

"LEN, WHY WOULD YOU BLOG ABOUT THIS?"
A fair question, and I'll get right to the point. In the last few years, I've experienced the deaths of a number of people in and around my life. I'm sure many of us have experienced their share of passings over the last few years. There's nothing strange about that. But for me, some of these deaths have come in the blink of an eye. You know, someone you just saw the other day just drops dead of a heart attack or brain anneurism. Or, you all of a sudden get a call that a close friend whom you haven't talked to in a while, got sick and died suddenly. When something like that happens, we're left, after the shock, wondering what we would have said to that person, given the chance, if we only knew. I often wonder what people would say, or how they would feel if they knew what you were really thinking. Would they appreciate knowing how you feel? Would a person feel sheepish or uncomfortable knowing how they are thought of by others? Would they even care?

"WHAT ARE WE TO DO?"
Let me explain a little. I know this girl (girl?,she's 43.) who happens to be my youngest son's godmother. This is ironic only because my mother is her godmother and her late mother was mine. So, suffice to say, I've literally known her all my life. Although I am an only child, I have always considered her my "adopted" sister. For a short time in my life I wanted to date her and have a romantic relationship with her, but quickly realized that she would always view me as one of her brothers. For as close as we are as friends, we had not been in contact with each other in about 5 years, save for Christmas cards. Back in January, she found out she had 2 tumors on her brain. In February, she had one of them removed and recovered well enough that, in April, she had the other one removed. She was recovering extremely well in the hospital, and was about to get moved to another room, and sent home shortly after that. For reasons unknown, she suffered a stroke while in the hospital, and it was so massive that all her brain function ceased. They harvested her organs the next day, then she died.

I was left with shock and grief upon hearing of her passing. But as the days passed leading up to her funeral, I was left feeling ashamed that I hadn't known she was sick, and sorry that we hadn't spoken over the last few years.

Similarly, my neighbor across the street, who I was friends with, dropped dead in his living room one afternoon after mowing his lawn (this happened 2 summers ago). I had just been shooting the shit with him that day before he mowed his lawn.

I am not writing this to gain anyone's pity. Instead I write this to bring you a message. And it is a message of hope. What are we to do when something like this happens? Well, instead of having to ever as that question again, be proactive and DO something instead.

...AND WHAT IS THAT, OH GREAT SAGE?
We often go through our lives trying not to be noticed. Or, we get so caught up in our daily routines and dramas that we forget the important things. This is not just cliche, but truth. And truth be told, we ARE busy. Our lives are more complicated these days, because of the way the world has become. In our haste to make our lives easier with modern conveniences, we've made our lives more hectic by having more time to do other things. We get so attached to our cell phones that we feel naked if we are without them.

What do we need to do? We need to remember to tell the people in our lives how we feel. We need to stop being afraid of closeness. Is it so hard to hug your kids every day and tell them that you love them? Is it difficult to look at spouses and tell them how much you love them and that you think they're still beautiful after all this time? Is it really so difficult to tell your friend that your friendship is important and that they mean something in your life? I think for alot of people these things ARE difficult. Some people just generally assume that their loved ones know how they feel. Men don't want to let their guards down and seem less than masculine by hugging their sons, or telling their buddies that they enjoyed their round of golf, or that they look forward to hanging out and having a couple of beers. "I can't say that to those guys, they'll think I'm queer. They'll think I'm too feminine to hang around. They'll think I'm going through a mid-life crisis."

Well, does it feel any better asking yourself if the person who just died knew how you felt about them? Wondering if your aunt knew how much you loved those ice cream sodas she'd make for you every time you visited when you were a kid? Does your grandfather or father know how much it meant to you that they took time to teach you how to fish, or play golf, or tell jokes? Does your friend know how much you appreciate them for letting you vent when you're pissed off? Does the old lady down the street know that you think she does a beautiful job with her garden every year, and that you love walking by her house just to see how nice it looks?

Is this too sappy for some of you? Too damn bad. Why? Because Len is Right. People, I think it's time for us all to take the time to tell people how we feel. On a daily basis you need to hug and kiss your kids. You need to spend quality time with them before they grow up and are gone. You need to make sure to give them lasting memories of your time together, before they grow up and move away and on to their own lives. We need to make sure that our spouses, or significant others, know how highly we think of them. Do we still think our wives are sexy? Do we still think our husband looks good in that suit? (maybe not in a Speedo, but in that tailored 3-button business suit) These are the most important people in our lives. We need to make sure that they, above all, know how we feel.

When someone goes out of their way to do a great job for you, do you just assume that it was their job, or do you show your appreciation by telling them, "Hey, that was really great work." Do we leave a waitress extra tip money because she took care of your table so well? In short, I don't think it's alot to tell those around us how we feel.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE WE DISLIKE?
What about them? "You know, I try and try, but I can't warm up to that guy." "I'm sorry, but it's all I can do to be in the same room with that bitch." I know we've all gone through that, too. It's only natural that we don't get along with everyone. I guess the best we can do in those situations is to bear-up, get along as best we can, and try not to show outwardly our utter disdain for those folks. It's not easy to focus on the positives all the time, and with some people we worry about encouraging them by going out of our way to be nice. But I guess we have to do the best we can and put on a good show.

"OH, IS THAT RIGHT, MR. EXPERT?"
I think I'm on the right track. So, let me ask you these questions. How do you feel when someone comes up to you and compliments you on something? If you're a guy and another guy says, "Hey...cool shirt.", or, "Dude, where'd you get that team jacket? I'd like to get me one of those." If you're a woman and a man came up to you in a store and said, "Excuse me, I've seen you in here before, and I wanted to tell you how lucky I think your husband or boyfriend is to be able to wake up every day and see you lying next to him. It must be a great way to start the day.", how would you feel? Would you be offended? Or would it make you feel good about yourself? Women compliment each other all the time. "Those shoes are WICKED cute." So that's really nothing new. But I think you get my point.

MY FINAL DECLARATIVE STATEMENT ON THIS SUBJECT
It's not enough to go through life on auto-pilot. We need to take the time to let others know how we feel. Even if it is to constuctively criticize our close friend or loved one about something. I really believe we should take the time to let folks know how we feel, how we appreciate the things they do, how we get a little annoyed at that sound they make.

To my good friend and "adopted" sister Kathy, I'd like to say this. It's been a month since I was shocked at hearing of your passing. I've lost close friends and family, including a parent, but I've NEVER cried so hard as I did when we left the funeral home and headed to the church on the day of your funeral. I will never forget your voice, your smile, and your infectious laugh. You always made sure the people around you felt important, felt special. I will never forget your biting, sarcastic wit, and that it was all said with humor and love. You knew the real secret of life and you lived it every day. For those of you who missed my post on Youth sports, the real secret of life is this: MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE'S LIVES. Let people know that you think they're important. Kathy, we never had the chance to talk before you died. I hope, wherever you are now, that you know how fantastic a person I thought you were. I always smiled when you were around and always felt better about myself when you were around. You were, hands down, THE BEST person I have ever known. And I really believe that everyone who ever knew you felt that way too. The millions of tears that were shed by everyone when you died were not for you, but for ourselves, because we will feel a little lost without you. We will always love you and I, for one, will always try to keep you in mind when dealing with others. I will hopefully make a positive impact on people I run into. And I dedicate this post on my blog to you, my very, very good friend.

Kathryn Marie Geddes D'Andrea 2/22/63--4/8/06 Rest In Loving Peace.

I am, as always,
Len Tollerton
and Len Is Right