THE MALAISE

Hello my friends:
Is it enough for me to say that I Hate Winter? I don't know if those 3 words acurately convey my disdain for the worst parts of this cursed season. I know, I know, just move if you don't like it. For me, in my situation, that's not possible. Every year, usually between Jan. 15 and Mar. 1st, I come down with a case of the winter blues.

THE BLUES OF WINTER
I'll try not to belabor the point. The Winter Blues is not, for me, cabin fever or post holiday stress bullshit. It's just the fact that I don't like the cold, especially the howling winds that often accompany the cold. Truth be told, I don't mind the snow that much. I actually feel pretty good after shoveling the driveway, though I think it's only cause I'm finished.

Look, I'm a tee shirt and shorts-type of guy. I figure, if you're too hot, check out some AC. In the cold, you always have to put on more clothes. "Layer yourself, man, that'll keep you warm." Yeah, and then I start taking stuff off when I get warm, and run myself through a series of electrical shocks from static as each layer comes off. If it's dark in the room, you can easily see the sparks. One of these days, my hairy ass is going up in a flashing ball of fire.

As for the Blues of Winter, I caught them Saturday night, just as the storm started, while driving to work. I'm thinking to myself, "We haven't even REACHED the first day of Winter, and I've already hit the depression. I'm in trouble.

THE SOLUTION TO THE WINTER BLUES
Is it a mantra you must chant to get yourself through it? Is there a change in diet that needs to take place? (diet...that's a funny word) Is there someone you need to talk to? NO, NO, and NO. The answer, my friends, is very easy to find. It's inside of you. It's the part of you that says, "HEY ASSHOLE!! YOU LIVE IN THE NORTHEAST. GET OVER YOURSELF. IT'S FREAKIN' WINTER. IF YOU HAD THE MONEY, YOU'D MOVE, BUT YOU DON'T. SO SUCK IT THE FREAK UP!!"

It's here, and it's not going away anytime soon. Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll have a mild back-end and I can start playing golf in March. You wouldn't believe what a pain in the ass a frozen, snow and ice-packed train is like to work on. It's cold, even when it comes into the shop. Never mind trudging across the yard in shin or knee-deep snow to get to a frozen hunk of HARD metal. "HEY, MAYBE IF YOU HAD STAYED IN SCHOOL AND LAID OFF OF THE KIND BUD, YOU MIGHT HAVE A JOB THAT ALLOWS YOU TO GET AWAY FROM THE TERM WIND-CHILL FACTOR!!!!!

Ah... but I digress. One round of shovelling snow brings you back. There's something pretty cool about being out in your driveway, when it's snowing big flakes, and there's no cars out, so it's quiet, ya know? If you stand there silent, you can hear the flakes hit the ground. Pretty neat. BTW, I'm completely sober while typing this.

Winter is here. I hope Patty keeps the heating bill up to date. I hate the cold.

From LEN IS RIGHT Headquarters,
I am,
Len Tollerton