Tuesday, February 26, 2008

THE COLONOSCOPY

Hello my friends:
Well, the Oscars came and went and I got 4 out of 6 right. I guess that means, for one day anyway, that this site should be called Len is 67% Right. Of the 2 misses, I was happy to see that unbelievably white Tilda Swinton won for Michael Clayton (supporting role). There had been alot of buzz in Hollywood about her performance and I guess her campaign got her the needed votes.

As for Marion Cotillard, who won Best Actress for La Vie En Rose, I was really very surprised that Hollywood gave the award to an actress in a Foreign Language film. The only other time I can remember them doing that was about 10 years ago when they gave Best Actor to Roberto Benigni for Life Is Beautiful. So, I guess there can be surprises. I was surprised they didn't give an award to the "Old Guard" in Julie Christie.

I thought Jon Stewart did a really good job of hosting. He kept it moving along and was pretty funny at times.

THE COLONOSCOPY
Well, today I had a colonoscopy. If you are squeemish, you'll probably want to stop reading now, even though some of this will be funny, or at least amusing. Do I really want to go into this whole thing? Do you really want to know? Not sure, but here goes.

The reason I was having a colonoscopy was because I had developed a certain unnamed problem at the back door and the doctor wanted to rule out any real problems. So, first off, I gotta tell ya about the initial examination in the doctor's office. ANYONE who goes to have their rectum looked at becomes a true equal in the eyes of the world. What I mean by that is that AFTER the exam, everyone is on equal ground. It is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to have any kind of ego once you're done with that experience.

I went into the exam room and the nurse pulled out this kneeling pad at the bottom of the (what I thought was standard) examination table. I asked her if I was to get undressed, and she said "No, just drop your pants." So I drop them and then she has me stretch my arms onto the exam table. Now the doctor comes in and says, We gotta raise this thing up so I can see better." He hits a pedal and the whole table starts to lift into the air. Thinking that was it, I was surprised to hear him push another pedal and now the part I'm stretched across starts to drop forward. Please picture in your head me kneeling on a pad, with my pants around my knees about 4 feet in the air, with my ass pointing to the stars, looking like I'm leaning over a fence. Can you wrap your thoughts around that picture??!! Please remember that the nightmares aren't real.

So he examines me and I go back into his office to discuss the results. I tell him that no one could have an ego after that. He tells me, with a chuckle, that he loves it when big, tough State Trooper-type guys come in for an exam. They walk in all tough and macho and leave with tails between legs, like beaten dogs. I think he's got issues with cops.

THE PROCEDURE
So, everything this morning went well. No polyps, no bleeding, no problems, come back in 5 years. Everyone told me it was no big deal. And they were right. The worst part for me (and everyone else for that matter) was the night before. You can't eat anythin, and you've got to drink this laxative that makes you piss liquid out of your ass for the entire evening. I mean, we're talking, like, 10-15 trips to the john. I know this dope at work who actually drank the stuff while at work the night before his procedure, because he didn't want to take a night off. I laughed each of the 10 times he walked past me on his way to the bathroom. After doing it myself, I would recommend taking the night off for that.

The only other thing that was painful, or a bother, was when the nurse put the needle into the back of my hand for the IV for surgery. I don't usually have a problem with needles, but she must have used a thick gauge, cause that hurt.

So, anyway, I could have gone to work tonight with no problem. But with the big snowstorm, I decided to take the night off and relax. Everything is fine, so that's good news.

Tomorrow, I have my 3rd session with the Shrink. So far, this guy has told me I need to chill out and give myself some credit. Apparently, I try to make others feel good and do stuff for other people, but feel like I need to reciprocate anytime someone does something for me. Also, for the last 25 years, I've been trying to be the ultimate porn star for my girlfriends(before marriage) and my wife. That obsession has led me to disappointing myself and occasionally my partner, because I was so obsessed with making the woman feel like she was with a SEX-GOD. So, now, the shrink wants me to chill out and give myself some credit. Sex has always been about pleasing the other person, for me, cause I figured I could get pleasure for myself if I really needed it. I've now got to focus a little more on me during these times and trust that I'm doing what I need to do. Basically, I spend too much time thinking too much, and making a big deal out of nothing. Kind of like my friend Fred thinking too much when he's playing golf. Too many swing thoughts before hitting the ball. I've told him that, but I think this is like a "Physician, heal thyself"-type of thing.

So, I believe I'm making progress with the shrink. It'll take me time to rebuild myself a little, but I don't think I have that far to go. By the way, my friends, I'm still the same guy you all know. So, you can all stop shunning me. You can all stop being afraid to call me or talk with me and interact with me just because I'm seeing a therapist.. "Oh jeez, here comes that crazy Tollerton. You know, he's seeing a shrink. Let's get to the other side of the street, or he'll be telling us how much Jesus has helped him to regain his sanity." YEAH,RIGHT!! I think you know me better than that.

REMAIN CALM!! ALL IS WELL!! LEN IS RIGHT!! LEN IS RIGHT!!
Peace to my people on Earth.
I am,
Len Tollerton

Sunday, February 24, 2008

OSCAR PICKS

Minions:
Here are your last-minute Oscar picks form the guy who thinks he knows all....Len is Oscar Right!!

Without further ado, here they are. I will probably be going with alot of chalk here (for you non-gamblers, chalk means the favorite). Oh and by the way, I have not seen any of these films. Patty and I usually make a concerted effort to get to the movies or rent a few of them before Oscar night.

BEST PICTURE--No Country For Old Men
Looks like this year's The Departed, folks. Brutal, uncompromising, and I think, a great story.

BEST ACTOR--Daniel Day Lewis
I've never seen this guy give a half-hearted performance. Didn't see it, but he just seems to trump everyone else. The other actors seem blown away by him, so he is the chalk.

BEST ACTRESS-- Julie Christie
In a movie that hardly anyone saw, Julie Christie played a woman who is suffering the effects of Alzheimer's disease. Alot of people loved young Ellen Page in Juno, many people think Marie Cotillard in La Vie En Rose (no chance if not in English), but this Oscar is going to the class of the lot. Julie Christie only takes roles she believes in. Oscar rewards her performance and loves her for her age and experience.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR--Javier Bardem
He's won every award for this performance so far, so there's no reason to believe he'll lose tonight. Sentimental choice, Hal Holbrook was not on screen for that long, and Casey Affleck won't win as a first-time nominee. Bardem was a HUGE part of No Country for Old Men, and he'll take home the statue.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS--Amy Ryan
Her performance as a drug-abusing mother of a kidnapped child will, ultimately, win over Oscar voters for the win. They all want to give it to Cate Blanchett for her role as Bob Dylan, or to Ruby Dee for her 5 minutes of film time in American Gangster. But the real performance of the year was by Amy Ryan

BEST DIRECTOR--Joel and Ethan Coen
They've directed great movies in the past. They've done their due diligence. This time Oscar rewards them for their masterpiece, No Country For Old Men.

Okay, I've made my predictions. Now it's up to the Academy to prove me right. If I'm wrong on any of these picks, I urge you all, my minions, to storm Hollywood. Storm the movie studios. Invade the homes of the Oscar voters and make them all know why they were wrong and why always...ALWAYS...LEN IS RIGHT!!

I am,
Len Tollerton

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

Hey there People:
I hope your day went well today, or is going well, depending on what time you are reading this. I'm doing pretty good, except for the fact that it's shitting here in the Great Northeast. That means it's snowing. It's been really cold and now comes the snow and ice. I just keep thinking, I'm only a little over 7 years from getting my 30 in at Amtrak. After that, I'm outta here. I hope. Just not a big fan of winter. Within 7 years, I'll hopefully have hit the Mega Bucks for around 20 or 30 million and I can spend winters in the South and summers right here in upstate NY. One can hope, right?

Hey, I'd like to recommend a movie to all of you out there. It's called Across The Universe. It's a musical that takes place in the 60's, Telling a story about an English kid who falls in love with an American girl. ALL of the music in this movie is Beatles music. Each song fits right in with the plot and each scene. If you like the Beatles, even a little, I'd recommend that you rent this flick. If you don't like the Beatles, then pass on this one. I really enjoyed it. Patty thought it was a tad long (a little over 2 hours).

RUSH
I was able to score 4 inside seats for the Rush concert at Saratoga Performing Arts Center (July 5th) this past weekend. Yeah, BABY!! Decent seats, too, right in the middle of the house. Paid a ton of money for them (with taxes and fees around $110 each). My friend Roy and his son Skyler will probably grab Lawn tickets, so I might end up selling these and just buy Lawn tickets for myself, Connor and Jackson and just hang out with those guys. But I'm very psyched to be seeing this band again. They are so tight onstage and so talented, that you can't help but having a great time at their show. Hopefully, Roy and I will get the chance to go to Mohegan Sun two days later and see them there, courtesy of our friend who is on the Tribal Council (actually the Treasurer of the Mohegan Sun complex). He hooked us up with 3rd Row Center for free last year. But the summer looks to be shaping up. Can't wait.

Trust me...see this band if you can, this summer. They rock it out.
Later people.
I am,
Len Tollerton
And you know that LEN IS RIGHT!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

WHAT'S UP KIDS?

Hi Y'all:
It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. That sounds like I'm in the confessional box at church, right? "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 2 weeks since my last blog post." I kind of had a good reason, other than nothing to say.

THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND THE REAL REASON
I'm going to go out on a limb and publicize an admission for everyone right now. On Friday, Feb. 1st, I suffered, what I believe, was a mental breakdown. See, over the last few months there have been a few incidents and other ongoing things that have happened, that put me in a BAD mental state. I won't go into specifics. I guess they may have been your run-of-the-mill occurences that some people go through. Family issues, interpersonal relations, physical issues, job-related b.s., and realizations of wasted years and feelings of inadequacy led me to this point.

I felt that I was having a mid-life crisis and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Now, those of you who know me well know that although I sympathize with folks who have mental issues, I consider people who have addiction problems, or problems with depression as weak. Why? Because I've always felt that people let themselves get into depressed states. I've always felt that if you woke up in the morning, that you were given a new chance, a new start, another opportunity to make things right. The stuff that already happened was stuff you couldn't change, but that you could correct mistakes. Each day we have the chance to atone for our wrongdoings, begin fresh with a new attitude, and maybe look to the future with some hope. So, of anyone you all know, I was one of the least likely candidates for depression and crisis. I've always tried to roll with the punches and look for new solutions.

But that Friday, I felt that the world was crushing down on me, that I had wasted half my life in a job that I should never have settled for (that much is a STONE-COLD fact), that most of my life had been a lie, that I had been keeping certain things hidden for decades, and that one of the causes for all of this was one of the things in life that I enjoy the most (marijuana). While my drug use has made me lazy (or even a slacker) at times, it never caused me to miss work or not pay bills, or embarass my family because of erratic behavior. I was confused because I couldn't understand why just a few days or a week before everything was fine and all of a sudden the Wheel of the World was rolling over me. You all know that I'm fairly upbeat and happy most of the time. My sense of humor is always right there (albeit somewhat inappropriate at times).

Unlike many people with problems, I'm not one to go looking to place blame elsewhere if it lies with me. So I began digging to see why this was going on and try to figure out what I'd done during my life to put me in this state, AND, more importantly, what I was going to do to get past this. I mean, no one that I knew (or so I thought) had to go through therapy, or battled depression in a major way. So, why me?

SURPRISE, SURPRISE!! You'll never believe what I found out yesterday, that calmed my concerns by at least 75%. I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, talking about how great I am doing with the quitting smoking thing. I was going on about how great I thought the drug Chantix was, and how it had taken away my cravings for cigarettes. I don't buy them, I don't miss them, and I really believe I've gotten by the difficult stage of feeling I need them. My friend told me that there was some recent news that Chantix was recently found to cause suicidal tendencies in people. While talking with another friend, I learned that it is also responsible for impulsive behavior (impulse buying, gambling, etc...). I don't know if that's the answer for me, but it sure would explain alot.I started taking the drug on December 1st of 2007, and it was shortly thereafter that I realized I was turning into a "whack-a-mole." Could the Chantix have caused all of my irrational fears to manifest all at once, making me feel inadequate? I mean, no doubt, certain things have transpired over the last month or two that could put me in a funk (not the Parliament-Funkadelic-type funk either). But c'mon folks. I'm a mentally strong person for the most part. Yes. I have a bad temper at times, and I'm too quick to react to alot of things occasionally. But this was just not me.

WHERE TO NOW?
On the chance that it was the quit-smoking drug making me act this way, I have since calmed down. I know for a fact that nothing is as bad as I was making it out to be over the last week. I am NOT a mentally weak person. I have my flaws, to be sure. No one knows what they are as well as I. While talking to a friend about this situation (before the Chantix news surfaced), I was encouraged to speak to someone professional. And believe me, I was about to jump into the psychiatric pool with both feet, embracing the chance to get mentally well with open arms. I mean, how was I to lead my MINIONS if I couldn't lead myself? I was initially concerned that I was going to be made a part of the Prozac nation. I'd really rather not become a person who needs help through chemicals. I'd rather just talk my problems out. There are those of you out there reading this who won't be surprised by that statement. Many of you believe I spend too much time talking AND thinking.

In truth, Ive decided to go through with seeing a therapist. I'm sure it won't hurt me to talk some things out and get past some stupid shit from my past. But have no fear, folks, I am in a much better state today than I was last week. I'd like to thank my friend Clayton Leisenfelder for cluing me into what is going on with people who take Chantix. Up until yesterday, I considered it a "miracle-drug." And it IS, when it come to stopping smoking. I don't know if I could have done it without it. But I also realize that ALL of the problems I was dealing with coincided with my beginning and continued use of the drug Chantix.

I am now, forever, back from the ledge. And aside from some physical issues that are being a pain in the neck, my outlook is alot better than it was. I'd also like to thank Patty, in a BIG way, for letting me vent on her last Friday, and for being understanding about EVERYTHING. I'd also like to thank my friends Roy the G.B. King and Kenny the Hunter for letting me vent to them when I've had issues, especially over the last month or two. You 2 guys really proved your friendship to me by just listening and not calling me weak or a pussy. I really appreciate it.

I am healing, getting better everyday, and realizing I'm not really the piece of shit I believed myself to be over the last month and a half. As they sing at the beginning of THAT 70's SHOW, "We're all alright! We're all alright! We're all alright! Hello Wisconsin!!!!

Looking better all the time, I am,
Len Tollerton
And you MOFO's out there better know........LEN IS RIGHT!!!